Monday, November 17, 2008

Dear Dr. Josh, How can I tell him?

Great questions this week from ABC 33/40 viewers.  Here are two that focus on intimacy.  In both it comes down to being brave enough to tell him what you want and need.

My husband only shows physical affection when he wants to "make whoopie" later that night. We are happily married but he is not "into" holding hands or hugging or any other displays of affection unless he wants to make love later that night.How can I let him know I want him to show me affection even without the sex later?

This is a huge problem for many, many couples. And the problem lies in your statement—how can I let him know. Very often, men don’t see intimacy as hand holding and hugging—they see it  as a means to an end.  While he may be ok without physical affection unless it is leading to something, you are not. So he needs to learn that what makes you feel intimate.  No matter how you slice it- this comes down to a communication and commitment issue.

You need to tell him..-..—then you have to cue him—hold his hand, hug him – remind him this is what you need…most women fear that their husbands will feel rejected if they discuss what they need. But the reality is that most couples never have these kinds of conversations.. so pick a time when the two of you can talk about what each person needs….have it over a glass of wine and some candles—discuss it with love, but if you avoid it for fear of hurting his feelings—you’ll never get to the answer.


Dear Dr. Josh,

I have been dating a man for 4 years.  He has never been mushy or romantic, but he is respectful, polite, dependable and generous.I would love to know if there is a way - without making him feel I am dissatisfied - to encourage him to show me a little more affection and romance.

 Same type of situation—time for an intimacy discussion… he needs to learn how to be romantic and you can show him… the reality is that you are dissatisfied- otherwise you wouldn’t ask the question.  In this particular area of your relationship you are dissatisfied—he needs to know that this is what you need out of the relationship—if he isn’t willing to learn (and most guys can) then  he’s not worth staying with, because without the romance you want, you will never, ever be satisfied in the relationship.

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